I don't think it's hit me yet...
I thought that whenever I turned in my badge and laptop it would seem real but it doesn't still.
Today was very...normal? And...uneventful? I thought it would feel bigger maybe? I don't know what I was expecting or why would I expect something. But it did happen. I did it. I turned in my badge and walked out of the building that has been my workplace for the last 5 years of my life. I have never worked for a company that long before. When I first started I thought I would do a year, maybe year and a half, and in a blink of an eye, here I am.
As long as I can remember I have been a planner. I knew what I wanted (actually, I thought I knew what I wanted) and I would achieve it, not taking time to celebrate or process what I had achieved, and off I was, planning what that next goal was. I spent middle school dreaming about high school. High school dreaming about college. College dreaming about being a badass business woman. Just always looking ahead. Not enjoying the present at all. Never satisfied. Never enough. Always looking to be something. Never taking the time to getting to know me. Who I was. What I liked. What brought me joy. Lived in my head for so long I became disconnected with my body. To the point where I was blatantly ignoring what it needed. It had been pleading me to stop. To rest. To process. To breathe. To pause. Stop running. Stop achieving. Enjoy. To be in the moment. To realize I was enough...
I ignored my body and fought it and distrusted it and feared it. Never took the time to just pause and listen. Until stopping was the only thing I could do. Until I was in so much physical and emotional pain I couldn't get out of bed. Even then I tried to fight it. Even then I wanted to skip the hard part and find a magic potion that would make it all ok. So that I could get out of bed and continue running.
Thankfully I had started to surround myself with people who gave me new perspectives. And I listened. It's easier to listen to others than to listen to yourself. Even when I knew, all along, only I had the answer. But looking inward is so hard. Still is. So listening to others it was. And it saved my life.
It's been 6 months and I am in a much better place AND I recognize I still have so much work to do. And that's ok.
I've known for a while that in order for me to do the work, I had to shed some layers of myself. One was the security blanket the bi-weekly paycheck provided. The false sense of self and pride I had created in being a Latina, born and raised in PR, working in the US and having the career/salary I had. Refusing to acknowledge what it was costing me.
So today I let go. Today I say goodbye and also "I am all in". I 100% embrace this new stage. Expecting less while feeling more. Planning less and trusting more. Internalizing that the Universe/Love/God has my back. That all I need to do is show up. Authentically. Broken as I am. Whole as I am. That I have to take time to enjoy the process. To be grateful for the good days and the painful days. Because I am alive. I am here. I have everything I need. I am enough. I am.
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