Sometimes you walk into the squat rack and it's just you and the bar, sometimes it's the bar, and depending on where you are at in your training, x amount of pounds. Sometimes you walk into that squat rack and it is more than just you and iron. You walk into that cage, and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You feel the immense, crushing weight of that horrible fight you had earlier that morning with a loved one, the loneliness of the night before, the lack of sleep, the stress related to work, the disorder/illness you suffer quietly, the lack of confidence, that unhealthy relationship you do not know how to walk away from, the self-doubt, all the battles you fight in silence, your fears, your demons, all of a sudden they are all in there with you.
A part of you wants to drop that bar and run away, but the more instinctual part of you knows running away will only make it worse. It will come back to hunt you. You need to face all of it. Prove to yourself you can handle that, and then some. You don't take the easy way out either. You don't let that weight crush you down, you fight it. With grace.
You squat down, with controlling it, you hold at the bottom, pause, fill your lungs and explode up. One rep, two reps, three. You are forced to look at yourself in the mirror. Face yourself. Your biggest enemy. You take a hard look at the person you are, the person you've become. The gap between the person staring back and the person you want to be. You're panting, dripping in sweat, your pulse running. Very familiar feelings. Feelings you experience when a panic attack is about to unfold.. Your mind starts playing games…it reminds you - "this is what it feels like just before you lose your shit". And just like that it happens, one second you thought you had it, then the other you let your mind take over, instead of trusting your body. That quick second when you think - maybe this really was too much - your body caves. You are indeed carrying more than your fair share. You can't go up anymore. There's only one direction now. One plausible outcome.
But all of a sudden, there are arms around you, helping you with that weight. Your trainer, taking on just enough to allow you to rise from the ground, but making it heavy enough so that you are still struggling. Because it is in that struggle where you learn a lesson. Because they somehow know you need it. That you were vulnerable enough to accept the help but you still need to overcome this. Even when they don't know what "this" is. 9 reps, 10 reps, they want to help you set the bar back up, rack it.
You look at them, you still need more. You take a deep breath. You push the thoughts away. You know deep down you have more to give. Because you are a fucking warrior. You WILL overcome this. Second wind is what they call it, it's more like pure heart. You push more reps until you DECIDE you are done.
In that room, in that moment, to everybody else you are just a skinny bitch struggling with a light 95lbs. But you know you are way more…you are so much more…
Comments